So It's Ok For a Man To Cheat?

For those who follow me on twitter, you would have recently seen a tweet about me asking if it was totally acceptable or not to do a rant post about an image on Facebook that I had recently seen. I wasn’t expecting a response in all honesty, I was just angry and wanted to vented it out but when other bloggers was like ‘hey, it’s your blog why the hell not?’ it got me thinking ‘Yeah, let’s rant this shit out.’

 

Just before I get started, I want to make it clear that I am aware that most men do not think this and most likely a lot of them where messing around (I hope), well I know the guys who I surround myself with wouldn’t think it and I like to think that the girls who are around me wouldn’t like to think it either.

So now that’s out of the way, I saw this photo on my Facebook newsfeed and if you are any women I would like to think your first reaction was ‘EW DISGUSTING’ or ‘Wtf?’ because quite frankly, that sucks to read. And let’s face it, if there was a photo going around Facebook saying ‘If he finds out u got a side guy a real man would lay his head at your feet & apologise for not being all the man you need!’ would be absolutely ridiculous! The comments would be filled with ‘No she’s a whore’ or slut or even death threats about the women.  

And even though the photo was disgusting, what was worse was the comments. I try and pride myself on empowering other women and what really sucked reading the comments was seeing OTHER WOMEN TEARING OTHER WOMEN DOWN.

What madness is that? Like how? WHY?  I don’t understand why girls need to sit there on their phones or their computer screens and tear down other females about their decision or their appearance PUBLICLY. I mean, hand on heart. When your ex gets with someone else I’m sure you and your best friend have probably made comments to each other privately? 

But would you really do this on a Facebook post when over a million people can read it and just think ‘what a tw*t’ (excuse my language). So there are just four  main points that I really want to rant about… 

O N E: ‘A Real Women would bow down and apologise for not being ALL Women for him’

 

 As a Women who has been cheated on, you do start to have this belief in your head and doubt that you wasn’t good enough. That is definitely not the case, if your partner has a problem or isn’t happy then (excuse my terminology here) but a ‘REAL’ man would want to fix the issue and talk about it or break up. The person who cheats is responsible for their physical actions. Do Not SHIFT blame to make yourself feel better. The fact that both men and women thought this was OK to agree with actually was shocking. If role were reversed I doubt if you were a guy you'd be thinking that. And for a female if this had happened to you, how can you just think that's acceptable to say when you would be believing it too?

T W O : ‘A Real Women would just chuck his ass and if not she’s weak’:

 

I mean seriously? Who, hand on heart would have the strength to get back with someone once they’ve cheated on you? I mean Beyoncé did it and realised she wanted to be with Jay-Z. In all honesty, relationships are complex and only you know the answer to what you should do.  Social shaming for someone to try and make their relationship work it’s pretty unfair. You’d be surprised how many women/men take back their partner after the incident and how many say the whole thing make them feel closer in the end. Why feel the need to degrade someone if that’s what they want to do? And for guys who were comment saying that that they lost respect for a women if they did this for you... Then do not take her back, she would deserve better than you.

T H R E E: The use of the word ‘Real’

Like what? So if I don’t bow down to male or vice versa… I DON’T EXIST? I mean, what on earth is REAL anyway? Aren’t we just confirming gender bias and stereotypes by using these? Who are we to define what a ‘real’ human should act, say or feel? Who decides who is real anyway?

F O U R: Shaming the side chic

Who has spoken to a guy thinking they are single to then later on found out that they aren’t single? How hurt were you? And also my friend you were the side chic. It can easily happen. Also, the person who is cheating are the ones who are manipulating the situation whether they are saying they are unhappy or that they are single. The side chic isn’t responsible for cheating, even though I get why people put the blame on them… Unless they are a close friend, the side person also owes you know loyalty. Your partner does and if they shift the blame on them, it was their action to cheat, I highly doubt she forced him too.   

If you have made it to the end, thank you for reading my rant post and please feel free to comment your thoughts and opinions on it xo  

6 Signs To Spot A Cheater

Here’s a fun fact about me: In every relationship I have ever been in; I have been cheated on.

Previously, I would have been embarrassed and ashamed to even admit it but now I embrace it. Which probably sounds strange, but certain experiences teach you about life or at least relationships. It infuriates me on Facebook when I see ‘cheating is the worst thing you could do to someone’ because in all honesty it is not.

Everyone has a different definition on what cheating is: some may feel that looking at another woman/man are cheating, some may say flirting is cheating and others would say when something physical happens is cheating.

What I’m talking about; What I’ve experienced was the physical side when my ex boyfriends would talk to a girl and meet and have sex with her, then would come back to me and look me in the eyes and tell me they love me. So more of full blown affair than just someone kissing someone else on the dance floor.

You may feel sorry for me, you may not. Either way, how you feel about the situation doesn’t change the fact that it happened. Truth be told, it’s made me stronger and if any of you have been cheated on then I hope this post gives you some sort of comfort.

Now, I’ve probably reacted in every way possible when I’ve found out I’ve been cheated on. I’ve cried, screamed, blamed myself or acted like I didn’t care. They’re pretty standard reactions and now looking back they we’re needed for me to realises what I realise now, but I hope it isn’t the case for everyone.

For me, I need to know WHY they did what they done. 99% of the time I blamed myself and 100% of the time they gave me lame excuses why they done what they it. You see the fact that it kept reoccurring made me think that there was something wrong with me whether I was ‘too clingy’ or ‘too annoying’ some even said it was the fact that I was ‘emotionally distant’ and every time they made a comment about WHY they cheated on me I tried to modify my behaviour to be ‘a better girlfriend’.

But here’s my top tip advice: If someone is going to cheat on you, it’s innate for them to do so. They will do it regardless no matter what you do. You cannot change a person. You cannot control a person. You cannot change the outcome. It’s their issue, not yours. It’s their fault. You do not force a person to do so even if they have blamed you. If they are unhappy they can leave.

Reading this, you may be thinking: ‘WOW this girl has a serious grudge with her ex’s’. Sorry to disappoint you, but no I don’t. Even though it was a horrible thing for them to do at the time, I Now am grateful and even on good terms with some of them now!

As cringe as it sounds, it’s helped me grow as a person. Being put in this position, I wouldn’t do it to someone else because I know it hurts but I also know what I wouldn’t take either. It’s made me stronger.

Each boyfriend that I had, I thought they we’re all different to each other; some even polar opposites. If you lined them up they’re physical attractiveness varies a lot. Actually the only thing that’s consistent is that they all have blue eyes (#blueeyepeoplehavenomorals – I’m kidding, my eyes are blue) but looking back I realise that they had some similarities in their behaviour. And now I want to share with you those similarities:

(P.S. Please take note that this is MY Experience and it may not be the case with your partner and do not take things so heavily and let this effect you in anyway. If you feel that your partner is cheating on you – feel free to email but do talk about your concerns to them and close friends Do not take it too seriously.)

N U M B E R  O N E: S E C R E T I V E

This may sound like an obvious one but yet it often gets ignored. My first ex was so secretive about what he was doing. As far as I was concerned he was in his bedroom playing on the PS3 which was probably true, but this was just an assumption that I made. There would be times where he wouldn’t reply for 4/5 hours because ‘he was really in to a game’. For me to then find out a few weeks later he was with a ‘girl who’s a friend’. To then later find out something had happened; being vague in what they are doing is a red flag.

N U M B E R  T W O: Y O U  F E E L  L I K E  A  S E C R E T

If you have feel that your partner is ashamed of you because you haven’t met their friends or family. I would take that as a red flag all depending on your age. If your 17 or under, I wouldn’t worry so much about this one. But if you are older, then this shows that he/she isn’t serious about you. If they don’t feel proud to show you off and if you’ve told them how you felt about the situation and they don’t say/do anything to make you feel better or to even show that they care about how you feel, then trust me there isn’t much hope.

N U M B E R  T H R E E: F A L S E  P R O M I S E S

I found that most of my ex boyfriends would tell me what they thought I wanted to hear but would have no intention to actually carry it out. Promises such as ‘I’ll buy you that top for your birthday’ or ‘I’ll see you after my holiday and we can go for a spa weekend.’ When you know they say things they will never go through with; it shows a lack of care when people do this constantly.

N U M B E R  F O U R: P H O N E

I mean, when you saw the title of this post you must know it would be on here, right? This is quite a tricky one because I am a private person and I hate the idea of anyone using or even looking at my phone because of the things I’ve got on there. However, when I would be with my ex’s I noticed they would take their phone to the toilets a lot. (I mean how risky would it be if you replied to girl number 2 whilst being in the same room as your girlfriend?). Another thing is, I would happily scroll through Facebook or twitter in front of them – but they couldn’t do the same (HOW EVEN RISKIER WOULD IT BE IF GIRL No 2 POPPED UP WHILST ‘The GIRLFRIEND WAS LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE?). There is privacy and then there’s being overly cautious.

N U M B E R  F I V E: T H E  E X

If they have previously cheated on past relationships before, they will cheat again. Leopards do not change their spots. They’ve had the mind set to do it before. They will do it again. They will probably try and convince you that their ex was boring and that they don’t have the 'same chemistry as you' guys. This is bullshit. Also, if they are still in contact with their ex’s this is another big sign. Even though I’m at the stage where if I see one of my ex’s whilst out I’d have a 2 minitue conversation with them, this certainly does not mean I would text them every day and ‘meet up for coffee with them’. Ex’s are your past, if they are still in your partners present – if they are still speaking, there’s no need for it. It’s abnormal.

N U M B E R  S I X: F O L L O W  Y O U R  I N S T I N C T S

I was so worried that being cheated on before made me more paranoid than what I was. I didn’t trust that gut feeling I had when something wasn’t quite right. It’s difficult to explain this but for some unknown reason you don’t trust what your partner is saying to you. Trust your instincts. They do not let you down, no matter how insecure you may feel. If something doesn’t add up. Question it.